Keanu Reeves Lives In My Mail Box

Can we take a moment to lament the loss of the ethnic comedy? A hip, urban hustler (black of course) moves in with an uptight white guy and his family? Logic dictates the invention of speed golf, the black guy winning a 5K road race by cheating and an impromptu episode of Soul Train breaking out during a wine tasting in the yuppie, suburban home. God, I miss the mid-90's. Somewhere in heaven Phil Hartman is filming this movie.

On a separate note, our one regret in life is not making this website Sinbad related. We can't photoshop every mediocre actor/comedian into hilarious posters, we are but men!

The Keanuteer

I'm not saying Keanu Reeves defeated the Nazi's but I am saying in 1941 the U.S. government built a Nazi-fighting robot that after years of a bleak melancholy existence was finally turned into a real boy. And that boy may or may not have been Keanu Reeves.

The Keanu Whisperer

Fuck you, Mr. Ed.

Keanu Act aka Sista Reeves

We continue to celebrate Nun Week here at neverforgetkeanu.

Aren't we about due for another ironic witness protection movie? A movie that takes the "fish out of water" story line from Witness but infuses it with abysmal, unwatchable attempts at humor. Tommy Lee Jones is trying but he's just one man! A football player hides as a ballet teacher, an NBA player hides as the caddy for a down on his luck professional golfer, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Horatio Sanz take a gay cruise together. Fuck this is easy. We could have three fucking movies like this every fucking week! Fuck!

"Keanu-Re-Mi"

The hills are alive with the sound of Keanu.

Also, everyone talks about J. Robert Oppenheimer creating the atomic bomb but no one brings up how he genetically engineered Keanu Reeves to defeat the Nazis. Fuck you, history.

If You Wannabe My Keanu

Who can forget the hit songs "Spice Up Your Keanu", "Keanube", "Say You'll Be Keanu", and "2 Become Keanu"? And who can forget masturbating to the music videos?

Not me. Or my parents couch.

We Skipped Thanksgiving Because We're Thankful For Keanu Everyday

Alright, I know Keanu Reeves wasn't actually in this movie but I outsourced the idea that Keanu Reeves WAS in The Air Up There to India and using the many arms of Vishnu along with some bizarre ritual called 'fotoshoppe' several hundred villagers produced the above image. And my god, it was well worth holding their Sankara Stones hostage to imagine what a film this could have been.

But no, Kevin Fucking Bacon. Kevin Shithead Pork Chops. Kevin Eat A Dick Ham Sandwich had to star in it. I'm so angry I'm just going to write about Indiana Jones more.

Did you know the nation of India refused to allow Temple of Doom to be filmed in India because they found the script racist? If someone depicted my ethnicity as possessing the ability to rip peoples hearts out of their chest with our bare hands I think I'd be pretty cool with it. But maybe it was the cultish ignorance, wide spread famine and pestilence and general corruption they found troubling? Hard to say. At least Kevin Bacon wasn't in it, think about that one India!

Keanji! KEANJI!

Even though 99% of focus group reaction to the design was "feeling as if we're being leered at by a child molester," Keanu Reeves held his ground and pushed the movie poster for Jumanji into production. And a grateful movie-going public thanks him for his artistic integrity.

Keanu La Vista, Baby

I Spell Inspiration K-E-A-N-U

After my fifty-second viewing of Coach Carter something very important dawned on me: Keanu Reeves inspires black people.

Morgan Freeman, Forrest Whitaker , the black kids in Hard Ball.

It took me another seventy-two viewings to discover a much deeper truth. Black people inspire Keanu Reeves. Fuck you racism.

But it only took me one viewing to know Keanu Reeves inspires me. In fact the only thing more inspirational than Keanu Reeves would be a black coach and a white coach forming an integrated hockey team in 1950's Alabama with a band of misfit nerds and fat kids as players. And at least two handicapped players. And maybe a dog. It's called Hope on the Ice. Dennis Quaid is in talks with Disney to play the white coach. In the sequel (A Hope in Time) the team travels through time to win the gold at the 1980 Olympics.

Hunt for the Red Keanu aka Keanu for the Keanu Keanu

The true story of how Keanu Reeves infiltrated Communist Russia as a young boy, slowly gained their trust over many decades and then defected to the West with an experimental commie submarine. Hahaha take that Ivan!


(Editors note: This week has been Keanu(red) week at neverforgetkeanu. Please donate generously to our cause)

Cahiers du Keanu

In 1956 a balloon infused with the sentience of the entity that would become Keanu Reeves descended from the unknown depths of space to befriend a young boy in Paris.

That boy was me.

Hype Reeves

In 1998, Hype Williams was in a crisis. Rapper Nas had thoroughly destroyed his once towering street credibility as the next Rakim by releasing 3 horrible albums in a row. With Nas bowing out of the main role as "Sincere," what was Hype Williams to do? The two hour music video that his intern spent 47 minutes writing the script for was in jeopardy. And while Hype did feel confident that DMX barking nonsensical pseudo-philosophical bullshit at T-Boz from TLC for two hours COULD carry a movie, he still wasn't completely confident in green lighting the project without a substitute for the disappointment that is Nasir Jones.

As fortune would have it, Hype turned to the man who ghostwrote Nas' 1994 classic album Illmatic: Keanu Reeves. Reeves' street cred? Deep. And since he was already a part of the Ruff Ryders, his chemistry with DMX would be undeniable. Seven people died from the immensity of the first script read through.

Keanu aka Sincere: Yo, did you not see that fucking red light, man?
Tommy 'Buns' Bundy: Man, you think I give a fuck about a motherfucking red light? Faggot cops can't touch me! I'm out here smoking weed, speeding, all that, dawg. Fuck that. That's me. Untouchable.

Years later, Hype Williams would look back and smile on his decision to allow Reeves to also score the soundtrack, leading Belly: The Album to sell more copies than Thriller.

He's Huge In Japan

Three reasons why Mr. Baseball starring Keanu Reeves failed.
(1) It seems belittling to bestow such a reductive moniker on Keanu Reeves as "Mr. Baseball" and the public could not accept it.
(2) The tag line "He's the biggest thing to hit Japan since Godzilla" does not need the qualifier "since Godzilla". It implies Godzilla is bigger than Keanu and that's just silly. Silly like a man without a penis.
(3) Keanu Reeves actually has no legs and hovers his body around the sets of movies. Every time you have seen Keanu Reeves in pants they have been digitally inserted. This, apparently, looks very strange when they're baseball pants.

That last one is the reason the Japanese are so frightened in the poster. That and the mustache, Japanese people hate mustaches.

Keanu of the Traveling Keanu

Martin Lawrence in Big Momma's House 2 < Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor 2 < Martin Lawrence in Big Momma's House < Mike Myers in Austin Powers < Peter Sellers in Dr. Strangelove < Alec Guiness in Kind Hearts and Coronets < Keanu Reeves in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.

That's a free math lesson for you. Now here's a lesson in negotiation.

After the success of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants everyone was like, "Of course there'll be a SHotTP2!" But those whores from the original held the public hostage with outrageous contract demands. What were we to do? Well, fuck them we all said! We'll just get Keanu Reeves to play all four roles. And he did. And it was awesome. But you already know that.

I guess that wasn't really a lesson in negotiating. Unless you're holding out for more money and Keanu Reeves has spare time, then it's a pretty valuable lesson.

By Any Reeves Necessary

Keanu Reeves As You've Never Seen Him Before...Invisible!

Director Sidney Poitier once again teams up with Americas's favorite leading man, Keanu Reeves, in a tour de force about life, death and everything in between. When his life insurance policy fails to pay off Reeves (playing himself) must return from the dead to ensure his children's financial stability. The subtlety of Reeves performance as the titular ghost is so convincing you'll forget he's a human being, at least until that solitary tear slowly rolls down his cheek in the final shot of the film. His humanity is so clear and his pain so real. Keanu Reeves reveals the Ghost Dad in all of us.

Purple Reeves aka Keanu Rain

Few would have guessed an R&B movie starring the inexperienced lead guitarist from indie rock band Dogstar would define a decade, that is until they saw the electricity Keanu Reeves brings to the screen. In the summer of --- Purple Rain dropped on an unprepared populace and set the world on fire shattering box office records in the process. The film launched Keanu Reeves to the international superstar we know today. A few years later Reeves reprised the role of 'The Kid' in Graffiti Bridge, the most anticipated sequel since The Godfather Part II.

"I look on the glory you have created and weep. Weep for life is but a wisp of the moment when I beheld Keanu Reeves in Purple Rain." ~ Alternate Dimension Roger Ebert

KR: The Keanu Reevestrial

How does Keanu Reeves make this heartwarming children's film infinitely better? Because children love Keanu Reeves more than a Transmorphing Pokemon singing Raffi songs. (Writers Note: Aside from Keanu I have no idea what children are interested in.)

Here's what the original film looked like before we Keanu'd it. Spielberg? What a fucking hack! Let's start calling him Shitberg! That would teh shitz!!! Somebody register http://www.spielbergmorelikeshitberg.com right now. We will not be silenced!

Mrs. Reevesfire Italian Style

Why would Keanu Reeves, widely known and celebrated for his dramatic roles, choose a children's comedy as the follow up to his Oscar winning portrayal of composer Antonio Salieri? Because this isn't the retarded Robin Williams film where a coke addicted comedian frequently confused with the missing evolutionary link between man and beast dresses as a woman and steals his wife back from James Bond. Admittedly, when you right it like that it does sound pretty good. But I digress.

This version of Mrs. Doubtfire from Italian director Cristo Columbuso (Mamma, Ho Riperso L'Aereo) is a masterful display of horror and Oedipal love. After the death of his mother, Daniel Hillard (Keanu Reeves) invents the persona Euphegenia Doubtfire in a psychotic attempt to cope with his loss. In an interview prior to the films release Columbuso referenced Hitchcock as one of his inspirations in making the film, "Hitchcock once explained the difference between surprise and suspense the following way. A bomb is under a table. It explodes. That is surprise. A bomb is under a table, the audience knows it's there but the characters don't. That's suspense. In this film I've replaced the table with a dress and the bomb with Keanu Reeves' penis. But the principles are the same."

And I'm not ashamed to admit it, seeing Keanu in a dress was the most arousing experience of my life.

Air Reeves, wait, that's stupid, Keanu Bud!

After five months in a private medical facility deep within the Andes mountains everyones favorite actor emerged ready to tackle his most challenging role. The controversial plastic surgery prevents the famous leading man from falling back on his looks. Keanu's shampoo-commercial hair can't sway the audience towards loving his character. Those famous blue eyes filled with God like understanding are hidden behind experimental contacts. And the tongue/larynx replacement procedure destroyed the voice capable of wooing audiences across the globe. But Keanu "Fuck You Marlon Brando" Reeves owns the screen as the titular dog in Air Bud. He makes Tim Allen as the shaggy dog look like an asshole. And that's Tim Allen (Jungle 2 Jungle)! Never before has it been so clear Keanu Reeves is the greatest actor in the history of everything.

Also, Keanu Bud should be a variety of marijuana. It would solve everything.

The Recession Years

Showgirls, or as it was also known Saved By The Bell: The Jessie Gets Addicted to Coke and Gives Slater AIDS Years, may have flopped at the box office but its influential was still deeply felt. The welcoming suppleness of Keanu Reeves body revealed the deep pubescent feelings lying dormant in millions of boys. In the films most iconic scene Keanu's arched back and perfect, bouncing breasts splashing passionately in and out of the water inspired thousands upon thousands of virgin masturbatory experiences.

And that's a beautiful thing. Just like Keanu.