Keanu of the Traveling Keanu

Martin Lawrence in Big Momma's House 2 < Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor 2 < Martin Lawrence in Big Momma's House < Mike Myers in Austin Powers < Peter Sellers in Dr. Strangelove < Alec Guiness in Kind Hearts and Coronets < Keanu Reeves in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.

That's a free math lesson for you. Now here's a lesson in negotiation.

After the success of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants everyone was like, "Of course there'll be a SHotTP2!" But those whores from the original held the public hostage with outrageous contract demands. What were we to do? Well, fuck them we all said! We'll just get Keanu Reeves to play all four roles. And he did. And it was awesome. But you already know that.

I guess that wasn't really a lesson in negotiating. Unless you're holding out for more money and Keanu Reeves has spare time, then it's a pretty valuable lesson.

By Any Reeves Necessary

Keanu Reeves As You've Never Seen Him Before...Invisible!

Director Sidney Poitier once again teams up with Americas's favorite leading man, Keanu Reeves, in a tour de force about life, death and everything in between. When his life insurance policy fails to pay off Reeves (playing himself) must return from the dead to ensure his children's financial stability. The subtlety of Reeves performance as the titular ghost is so convincing you'll forget he's a human being, at least until that solitary tear slowly rolls down his cheek in the final shot of the film. His humanity is so clear and his pain so real. Keanu Reeves reveals the Ghost Dad in all of us.

Purple Reeves aka Keanu Rain

Few would have guessed an R&B movie starring the inexperienced lead guitarist from indie rock band Dogstar would define a decade, that is until they saw the electricity Keanu Reeves brings to the screen. In the summer of --- Purple Rain dropped on an unprepared populace and set the world on fire shattering box office records in the process. The film launched Keanu Reeves to the international superstar we know today. A few years later Reeves reprised the role of 'The Kid' in Graffiti Bridge, the most anticipated sequel since The Godfather Part II.

"I look on the glory you have created and weep. Weep for life is but a wisp of the moment when I beheld Keanu Reeves in Purple Rain." ~ Alternate Dimension Roger Ebert

KR: The Keanu Reevestrial

How does Keanu Reeves make this heartwarming children's film infinitely better? Because children love Keanu Reeves more than a Transmorphing Pokemon singing Raffi songs. (Writers Note: Aside from Keanu I have no idea what children are interested in.)

Here's what the original film looked like before we Keanu'd it. Spielberg? What a fucking hack! Let's start calling him Shitberg! That would teh shitz!!! Somebody register http://www.spielbergmorelikeshitberg.com right now. We will not be silenced!

Mrs. Reevesfire Italian Style

Why would Keanu Reeves, widely known and celebrated for his dramatic roles, choose a children's comedy as the follow up to his Oscar winning portrayal of composer Antonio Salieri? Because this isn't the retarded Robin Williams film where a coke addicted comedian frequently confused with the missing evolutionary link between man and beast dresses as a woman and steals his wife back from James Bond. Admittedly, when you right it like that it does sound pretty good. But I digress.

This version of Mrs. Doubtfire from Italian director Cristo Columbuso (Mamma, Ho Riperso L'Aereo) is a masterful display of horror and Oedipal love. After the death of his mother, Daniel Hillard (Keanu Reeves) invents the persona Euphegenia Doubtfire in a psychotic attempt to cope with his loss. In an interview prior to the films release Columbuso referenced Hitchcock as one of his inspirations in making the film, "Hitchcock once explained the difference between surprise and suspense the following way. A bomb is under a table. It explodes. That is surprise. A bomb is under a table, the audience knows it's there but the characters don't. That's suspense. In this film I've replaced the table with a dress and the bomb with Keanu Reeves' penis. But the principles are the same."

And I'm not ashamed to admit it, seeing Keanu in a dress was the most arousing experience of my life.

Air Reeves, wait, that's stupid, Keanu Bud!

After five months in a private medical facility deep within the Andes mountains everyones favorite actor emerged ready to tackle his most challenging role. The controversial plastic surgery prevents the famous leading man from falling back on his looks. Keanu's shampoo-commercial hair can't sway the audience towards loving his character. Those famous blue eyes filled with God like understanding are hidden behind experimental contacts. And the tongue/larynx replacement procedure destroyed the voice capable of wooing audiences across the globe. But Keanu "Fuck You Marlon Brando" Reeves owns the screen as the titular dog in Air Bud. He makes Tim Allen as the shaggy dog look like an asshole. And that's Tim Allen (Jungle 2 Jungle)! Never before has it been so clear Keanu Reeves is the greatest actor in the history of everything.

Also, Keanu Bud should be a variety of marijuana. It would solve everything.

The Recession Years

Showgirls, or as it was also known Saved By The Bell: The Jessie Gets Addicted to Coke and Gives Slater AIDS Years, may have flopped at the box office but its influential was still deeply felt. The welcoming suppleness of Keanu Reeves body revealed the deep pubescent feelings lying dormant in millions of boys. In the films most iconic scene Keanu's arched back and perfect, bouncing breasts splashing passionately in and out of the water inspired thousands upon thousands of virgin masturbatory experiences.

And that's a beautiful thing. Just like Keanu.