We Skipped Thanksgiving Because We're Thankful For Keanu Everyday

Alright, I know Keanu Reeves wasn't actually in this movie but I outsourced the idea that Keanu Reeves WAS in The Air Up There to India and using the many arms of Vishnu along with some bizarre ritual called 'fotoshoppe' several hundred villagers produced the above image. And my god, it was well worth holding their Sankara Stones hostage to imagine what a film this could have been.

But no, Kevin Fucking Bacon. Kevin Shithead Pork Chops. Kevin Eat A Dick Ham Sandwich had to star in it. I'm so angry I'm just going to write about Indiana Jones more.

Did you know the nation of India refused to allow Temple of Doom to be filmed in India because they found the script racist? If someone depicted my ethnicity as possessing the ability to rip peoples hearts out of their chest with our bare hands I think I'd be pretty cool with it. But maybe it was the cultish ignorance, wide spread famine and pestilence and general corruption they found troubling? Hard to say. At least Kevin Bacon wasn't in it, think about that one India!

Keanji! KEANJI!

Even though 99% of focus group reaction to the design was "feeling as if we're being leered at by a child molester," Keanu Reeves held his ground and pushed the movie poster for Jumanji into production. And a grateful movie-going public thanks him for his artistic integrity.

Keanu La Vista, Baby

I Spell Inspiration K-E-A-N-U

After my fifty-second viewing of Coach Carter something very important dawned on me: Keanu Reeves inspires black people.

Morgan Freeman, Forrest Whitaker , the black kids in Hard Ball.

It took me another seventy-two viewings to discover a much deeper truth. Black people inspire Keanu Reeves. Fuck you racism.

But it only took me one viewing to know Keanu Reeves inspires me. In fact the only thing more inspirational than Keanu Reeves would be a black coach and a white coach forming an integrated hockey team in 1950's Alabama with a band of misfit nerds and fat kids as players. And at least two handicapped players. And maybe a dog. It's called Hope on the Ice. Dennis Quaid is in talks with Disney to play the white coach. In the sequel (A Hope in Time) the team travels through time to win the gold at the 1980 Olympics.

Hunt for the Red Keanu aka Keanu for the Keanu Keanu

The true story of how Keanu Reeves infiltrated Communist Russia as a young boy, slowly gained their trust over many decades and then defected to the West with an experimental commie submarine. Hahaha take that Ivan!


(Editors note: This week has been Keanu(red) week at neverforgetkeanu. Please donate generously to our cause)

Cahiers du Keanu

In 1956 a balloon infused with the sentience of the entity that would become Keanu Reeves descended from the unknown depths of space to befriend a young boy in Paris.

That boy was me.

Hype Reeves

In 1998, Hype Williams was in a crisis. Rapper Nas had thoroughly destroyed his once towering street credibility as the next Rakim by releasing 3 horrible albums in a row. With Nas bowing out of the main role as "Sincere," what was Hype Williams to do? The two hour music video that his intern spent 47 minutes writing the script for was in jeopardy. And while Hype did feel confident that DMX barking nonsensical pseudo-philosophical bullshit at T-Boz from TLC for two hours COULD carry a movie, he still wasn't completely confident in green lighting the project without a substitute for the disappointment that is Nasir Jones.

As fortune would have it, Hype turned to the man who ghostwrote Nas' 1994 classic album Illmatic: Keanu Reeves. Reeves' street cred? Deep. And since he was already a part of the Ruff Ryders, his chemistry with DMX would be undeniable. Seven people died from the immensity of the first script read through.

Keanu aka Sincere: Yo, did you not see that fucking red light, man?
Tommy 'Buns' Bundy: Man, you think I give a fuck about a motherfucking red light? Faggot cops can't touch me! I'm out here smoking weed, speeding, all that, dawg. Fuck that. That's me. Untouchable.

Years later, Hype Williams would look back and smile on his decision to allow Reeves to also score the soundtrack, leading Belly: The Album to sell more copies than Thriller.

He's Huge In Japan

Three reasons why Mr. Baseball starring Keanu Reeves failed.
(1) It seems belittling to bestow such a reductive moniker on Keanu Reeves as "Mr. Baseball" and the public could not accept it.
(2) The tag line "He's the biggest thing to hit Japan since Godzilla" does not need the qualifier "since Godzilla". It implies Godzilla is bigger than Keanu and that's just silly. Silly like a man without a penis.
(3) Keanu Reeves actually has no legs and hovers his body around the sets of movies. Every time you have seen Keanu Reeves in pants they have been digitally inserted. This, apparently, looks very strange when they're baseball pants.

That last one is the reason the Japanese are so frightened in the poster. That and the mustache, Japanese people hate mustaches.